1. Saving your kids’ baby teeth.
You also save locks of hair. You know, like a serial killer.
2. Calling your partner “mom” or “dad.”
You get bonus creepy points for calling each other this when your kids aren’t even around.
3. Telling your kids an old fat man will break into your home and leave gifts.
“But only if you’re good, kids. And be careful…because he’s watching. Santa is ALWAYS watching.” (Cue Psycho theme.)
4. Hugging costumed characters.
You DO know it’s just a sweaty teenager in there, right?
5. Sniffing your baby’s butt.
You: “Oh, boy! He definitely needs a change! Whoo-whee! What did he eat? Ha ha!”
Everyone else: Blink, blink, awkward smile.
6. Acting incredibly excited about a kids’ movie.
You don’t get to see many movies for adults these days, do you?
7. Talking like a baby.
Even you hate how you sound, but you can’t stop yourself.
8. Taking photos the first time your kid uses the potty.
And then putting them on Facebook.
9. Trying to act hip.
There’s a reason teenagers say, “Mom/Dad, just stop.”
10. Nervously talking to your kids about the birds and the bees.
“Vagina.” “Penis.” “Intercourse.” There’s no way to not make this creepy.
11. Picking boogers out of your kids’ noses.
It’s not just that you’re doing it, but that you’re totally unfazed.
12. Making people hold your baby.
“Hold her. Go on! HOLD HER, DAMN IT!!!”
13. Making your kids breathe on you when they come home from a party.
And then inhaling deeply.
14. Walking around with spit-up on your clothes.
What you say: “It’s just a little spit-up.” What people hear: “I have vomit on my shirt.”
15. Knowing random facts about One Direction.
You only know this stuff because of your kids. You swear.
16. Keeping tabs on your kid with a baby monitor.
If it weren’t your kid, you’d be one step away from saying, “Put the lotion in the bucket.”
17. Eating the leftover food off of your kid’s plate even after they’ve touched and licked every inch of it.
If enjoying a fuzzy chicken finger makes you creepy, so be it.
18. Letting your kids wipe their noses on your pants.
“What? I didn’t have any Kleenex!” you say, all wild-eyed.
19. Driving by your kid’s school and staring at the kids on the playground.
You: “I was just looking to see if I could see my kid, Officer.”
You: “I have a kid! I promise!”
20. Saying “I have to go potty” when you’re out with your friends.
Also, saying “Bye-bye” with a furtive wave when you leave.
21. Talking to your kids’ stuffed animals as if they’re real.
“I’m going to put Mr. Pooh here, sweetie. Is that OK with you, Mr. Pooh?”
22. Spit-cleaning your kids’ faces.
The creepiest part? You’ve got wipes in your bag.