1. Having a teenage moustache cemented your status as cool.
2. That, and getting your hands on a fake ID.
Which was genuinely better than winning the lottery.
3. You’re an expert at turning people’s insecurities into punchlines.
5. Which future girlfriends have pointed out as a character flaw.
6. You learnt everything you know about the fairer gender from pornography.
7. And watching the Babe Station free view hour at sleepovers.
10. But if you didn’t make it, that was fine. The seconds had better banter anyway.
12. And were interchangeable, regardless of size.
Which was something your mum failed to understand.
13. The thought of taking a communal shower still fills you with dread.
14. There’s nothing funnier than drawing a cock and balls on something that isn’t yours.
15. You’ve mastered the art of tucking a rogue erection into your waist band.
17. You can smell weakness in a supply teacher the moment they enter a room.
18. You always had good questions in Science lessons.
20. You took a condom to school discos, just in case.
But you never actually used it.