2. When your breast milk leaks through your shirt.
4. When your kid suddenly busts out a dance move straight out of a Vegas nightclub.
“I don’t know where she learned that,” you say, only making things more awkward.
5. When your toddler texts gibberish to your boss.
6. When someone tries to tell you how to parent.
“Imma let you finish… Actually, I’m not. You need to stop.”
7. Taking your kid to a teeny bopper concert.
8. When your kid lets one rip in the middle of Target.
Especially when they follow it up by saying, “I just can’t stop farting!”
9. Running into your kid’s teacher with a cart full of alcohol.
10. When your kid walks in on you and your partner during “private” time.
From now on half the money goes into the “college fund,” and half goes into the “therapy fund.”
11. Also, when you walk in on your kid during their “private” time.
12. Interacting with costumed characters.
13. When you’re with company and your kid drops a four-letter word.
“But you say it,” your kid replies when you scold them.
14. When your kid takes forever in a public bathroom.
You: “We need to wrap this up, kiddo.”
Your kid: “But I’m still going poo-poo!”
15. When your kid announces private family business to the world.
“Guess what, Mrs. Daniels. Daddy’s been sleeping on the couch lately!”
16. Trying to calm your kid when they’re throwing an epic tantrum in public.
17. When your kid asks you how babies are made.
“Good question. We’ll have to look that up later.”
18. Trying to get your kid to stop freaking out so you can get a decent photo with Santa.
“Just one smile. Please. We waited 45 minutes!”
19. When your kid points at an old man and asks, “Why does he have so many wrinkles?”
All you can do is apologize, smile awkwardly, and want to die.
20. When someone talks to your kid and they won’t answer.
This usually happens after you’ve talked about how great your kid is for extra awkwardness.
21. Having to make small talk with parents you don’t know.
22. When some kid at the park is doing something dangerous and their parent isn’t paying attention.
“I’m sorry to interrupt your game of Candy Crush, but, uh, your son…”
23. When someone says, “I hate kids,” then notices you and adds, “But not yours.”
Crickets: Chirp, chirp, chirp…